“Life is boring,” “I wouldn’t mind dying”—these were the thoughts Daisuke Tachibana held. After participating in a three-day, two-night nehan retreat introduced by an acquaintance, he had an unprecedented experience. By re-examining his relationship with his mother, he came to say, “Life is still very much worth living.”
Why I Joined the Retreat
What prompted you to join the retreat this time?
TACHIBANA
It all started when an acquaintance told me, “It’s a thing where you can die” (laughs), and I intuitively thought, “That sounds interesting.” I had been feeling stuck, thinking, “Life isn’t interesting,” “I want to live more fully,” and “I want to immerse myself in something,” but I couldn’t find any answers. People often say that illness or a near-death experience can change your life, but it’s hard to seek that out yourself. Just then, I heard about a “retreat where you can die once,” and I thought, “This might be a safe way to get closer to death.” I decided to join, thinking I might see something when I got that close.
The Three-Day, Two-Night Experience
What was the experience actually like when you participated?
TACHIBANA
I didn’t feel like I “died,” but I experienced sensations I’d never had before. I was amazed, thinking, “My body and brain still have secrets like this.” What left a particularly strong impression was the digital detox in the forest. It was an environment where I couldn’t touch my phone or PC and had no choice but to confront myself. During the breathwork, I felt like I was entering an unconscious state, and it seemed to reach a deep part of me that I can’t access in daily life. I think it’s different for everyone, but for me, it was an experience that brought me closer to something like truth.
Realizations from the Parents’ Workshop
Was there any workshop that left a particularly strong impression?
TACHIBANA
The biggest one was the parents’ workshop. My emotions were laid bare, and I realized, “My relationship with my mother is crucial to me.” I grew up in a single-mother household. My mother was always busy with work, working desperately for my sister and me. I felt her love through her actions, but we had little direct interaction like physical affection or trips; it was more about “enduring.” Since I was a child, I was the type who “couldn’t be dependent,” and I tried to handle everything myself. Because of that, I think I missed out on things I should have received from a parent. This realization helped me understand that my personality and my feelings of “life is boring” or “it’s the same whether I’m alive or dead” were influenced by my family relationships. It was a huge breakthrough to feel, through the retreat, that I couldn’t resolve these feelings without re-examining that.
A Change in My Relationship with My Mother
What changes have you experienced since the retreat?
TACHIBANA
My way of interacting with my mother has changed a bit. We’re in contact more often, though not intentionally, and I find it easier to talk to and rely on her. I think the realizations from the retreat are naturally causing this. It happened to be my mother’s birthday during the retreat, so we went to a conveyor belt sushi restaurant afterward. I honestly told her, “I realized my family is what’s most important to me,” and explained, “That’s why I planned a trip.” My mother responded, “I don’t really get it, but I’m glad you cherish our family.” I was surprised she accepted it so readily, as I thought she might have said it was “creepy” or “suspicious” before. Until now, I felt she was “neither an enemy nor an ally, just the person who raised me,” but now being able to think “my mother is on my side” is a huge change.
Words from the Final Sharing Session at the Retreat
During the final sharing session of the retreat, Mr. Tachibana said the following:
I started to wonder, “Is there something I can leave behind for the next seven generations?” and I realized that life has so much value I just hadn’t noticed yet. I’m so glad I realized that. For me, the best part was the parents’ workshop. It allowed me to think deeply about my mother, and I feel like we can build an even better relationship. I found myself thinking, ‘I want to see her soon’ and ‘I want to share a lot of time with her while she’s still healthy.’ These three days gave me so much hope for living. Thank you very much.
Conclusion
Before the retreat, he felt that “life is boring” and “maybe it’s okay if I die.” But by re-examining his relationship with his mother, he began to say, “Life is still very much worth living.”
That realization is a step toward building a new form of family and will likely become the foundation that supports his life from now on. The change is ongoing, and it will be exciting to see how his journey unfolds.
