Eight months after her first time, this was Ms. Yamamoto’s second nehan retreat. In her previous experience, she had gained the feeling that “it’s okay to live.”
However, in the days that followed, a slight sense of discomfort began to arise within her.
“I had come to feel that it’s okay to be alive, but I also felt a little like I’d become someone for whom merely being alive was enough. Still, I thought, well, I’m alive, so that’s fine.”
Over these three days, where she arrived was beyond “it’s okay to live”—a new sensation that “it’s okay to enjoy living.”
From Suicidal Ideation to “It’s Okay to Live”
For a long time, Ms. Yamamoto had been carrying something deep in her heart.
Yamamoto
I’ve always been someone with strong suicidal ideation.
I lived with this feeling of “I don’t care if I die anytime; I could just throw away my life.”
While living with that mindset, she first visited nehan eight months ago.
Yamamoto
When I came here then and did the breathing,
I realized that if “it’s okay to die” exists, then “it’s okay to live” should exist too.
Lately I’ve been experiencing that sense of “it’s okay to live.”
If “it’s okay to die” exists, then “it’s okay to live” can exist too.
That realization was a major turning point for her.
What Lay Beyond “It’s Okay to Be Alive”
Eight months later came her second retreat.
Inside Ms. Yamamoto, there seemed to be a slight catch.
Yamamoto
I had reached the point of feeling it’s okay to be alive,
but I also felt a little like I’d become someone for whom just that was enough.
Still, I thought, well, I’m alive, so that’s good enough.
Feeling that “it’s okay to live” is certainly important in life.
Yet she began to quietly wonder within herself—is that really all there is?
Within “Enjoying,” Everything Is Included
Through the three-day retreat, one particular sensation began to arise within her.
Yamamoto
What I ultimately gained through these three days was: “It’s okay to enjoy living.”
But it didn’t mean she should simply seek only “enjoyable” experiences.
Yamamoto
Within that “enjoying,” life isn’t only about things that are fun—
it’s suffering, anger, sadness, all those struggles that give life its color.
Joy, sadness, anger, pain—life contains many emotions.
To accept them all without denying or suppressing them, simply receiving them as they are.
Yamamoto
I gained the sensation that it’s okay to properly digest everything I’m able to receive within myself—
and enjoy it.
Yamamoto
For me, that became quite a significant shift in values.
“It’s okay to enjoy living”—these are words of permission that say it’s alright to savor your existence completely, while accepting the full waves of emotion as they are.
Emotions I Thought Were Small Were Actually Big
During the retreat, there was another unexpected realization.
Yamamoto
In terms of more common themes, nothing had come up before,
but this time a lot of family-related issues surfaced.
Yamamoto
I realized that, unexpectedly, I still held some traumas toward my mother and father.
It’s not that I don’t love them, but I had feelings like
“I wanted you to do this,” “I wanted you to be that way” toward them—that was a big realization.
Looking back now as an adult, those things may seem trivial.
Yet the small painful experiences of “I wish you had done this for me” in childhood can, without us noticing, become the foundation that shapes who we are today.
Yamamoto
I had thought they were small things,
but it turned out those small things were actually quite big.
Things we overlooked, forgot, or dismissed as trivial—
when we realize that they have in fact been influencing how we feel and what we choose, the course of our life can shift dramatically.
Yamamoto
Just becoming a little aware of that let me focus on how to resolve it,
how to melt those hardened feelings.
Noticing it was really huge for me.
Becoming a Colorful Vessel
After finishing the retreat, Ms. Yamamoto spoke about her future self this way.
Yamamoto
Taking all of that into account, when I think about how I want to be in the future,
first of all, I want to live joyfully.
Yamamoto
To honestly receive every emotion, and to turn my own vessel—
until now a plain white vessel—into something more colorful.
I feel like it’s okay to do that now (laughs).
Suffering, joy, sadness, anger—accepting all of these.
That may be what it truly means to “enjoy” life.
From “it’s okay to live” to “it’s okay to enjoy living.”
With what colors will Ms. Yamamoto’s vessel be filled from here on?
